


My Two Morons

by overwhelmed_with_joy



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Dating Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, M/M, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-07
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-20 06:05:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2417756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overwhelmed_with_joy/pseuds/overwhelmed_with_joy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles and Derek are getting dating advice from a rather strange source.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Two Morons

This was getting ridiculous. The boy had been trying to figure out what to wear for almost three hours. It was almost midnight and there were other houses to visit and other people to feed on. If the boy didn’t pick something soon…  
“Go with the green one.”  
Stiles jumped as a voice came out of nowhere. While he was use to strange things happening, he thought he had gotten past the hearing voices that weren’t there. Still he had to be sure he wasn’t going crazy again.  
“Umm...Hello.”  
“Yes, Hello, nice to meet you and what not. Pick the green.”  
Stiles looked down at the green shirt that he had thrown on the bed three hours ago. It hadn’t even been one of the final three choices. It was a pretty green, the color of a sunlight forest, but it didn’t scream I’m Hot, Date me. It was more of a safe shirt. Button down, one pocket on the left side. Nothing special about it.  
“Why the green one?”  
Stiles wasn’t entirely sure but he was fairly certain the disembodied voice just rolled its eyes at him. The way Lydia did when he showed up in the same shirt four days in a row.  
“Because it’s his favorite color you blind moron.”  
Apparently the disembodied voice was also British. That was new. Most of his voices sounded like superheroes.  
“Wait how did you..?”  
“No, no questions. I’m very busy and I’m already behind schedule. Pick the green one, wear it with a black tie and pants and suspenders, and go to bed.”  
And with that, the voice left, or at least Stiles thought it left. _Suspenders, huh, I wonder why I didn’t think of that._

The next problem that arose happened about a week later. It had had a very successful week. The horrible obnoxious children three houses ago spent half the night screaming and two of them actually wet the bed. The town actually had some wonderfully tasty adults as well. The would be rapist actually threw himself at the mercy of the police after the mind rape it inflicted on him. Night terrors and nightmares were all fine but waking terrors were particularly fun to inflict on people and often reaped some of the best rewards. The best tastes, though, came from other supernatural creatures. It considered it amazingly lucky when it found a house of werewolves. That was before it actually went into the house. The taste of fear lead it to the master bedroom on the top floor. The room wasn’t the best decorated but it was certainly better than the all fluffy cats room from two nights ago. Pictures of what must be the occupants pack lined the walls with a golden framed one it didn’t expect. It was the boy from last week, wearing the green shirt and suspenders. He did look quite good in it.  
“Well of course he did, I do know what I’m talking about.”  
The clock struck midnight and after hiding under the bed, waiting, the tall, dark and handsome other man came into the room and started to pace and mutter to himself. Realizing that nothing was about to happen anytime soon, it decided to step in again.  
“Could you speak up. Not all of us have your hearing Lycan.”  
Derek immediately went on the defensive. Claws out, eyes blazing, have shifted, Derek tried to sense whatever had just spoken to him.  
“Yes, yes that all very nice and scary lycan, very intimidating. What exactly is the problem you have not able to sleep over?”  
Derek, uncomfortable with a voice and no body, quickly figured that he wouldn’t be able to claw at something he couldn’t see.  
“What makes you, who or whatever you are, think there’s a problem?”  
“Because you’re wearing a track into the carpet.”  
Derek looked down at his feet and noticed the slight track he had made around his bedroom.  
“So, people pace. It’s not like something is wrong.”  
Derek got the feeling that the voice was staring at him flatly the way Laura use to.  
“Ok fine. I went on a great date with a great guy last week but I don’t know how to make a repeat of it.”  
“Do you really like this guy?”  
“Yes, I do.” Derek sighed and sat on the bed “I really do.”  
Remembering the picture on the bedside table and the boy’s room from last week, it remembered seeing something that had a great deal of love surrounding it. It didn’t go near it because sentimental feelings were sticky and messy and gross.  
“Take him too the zoo.”  
“I’m sorry, what?”  
“Take. Him. To. The. Zoo. what do have to enunciate for you?”  
“Why the zoo? That seems a bit childish.”  
“Because it’s important to him. Apparently someone he loved loved going there. There’s a picture of it in his room.”  
“How did you..”  
“No, no questions. Obviously you aren’t going to bed anytime soon and I’m just wasting my time being here. So bye.” Before it could forget “And get him blue roses too.” and it was gone.

The date to the zoo couldn’t have gone better apparently. The first boy, Stiles, was talking to A Scott about the great time Derek, who must be the second boy, and he had. It was the first time in he had ever been to the San Diego Zoo and it was the greatest date ever. Derek even brought him a bouquet of blue roses that were currently sitting in a vase on the window sill. The flowers radiated that horrid stench of young love. It smelled of happiness and laughter and all sorts of things that made it sneeze. The amount of joy coming from the Stiles was enough to make it gag, which it did and which the Stiles heard.  
“Hey Scott, I’ll call you back later. Yeah man, night. Hello? is it you again?”  
“Yes, yes, hello it’s me again.”  
Stiles smiled. It was his not so imaginary imaginary friend. The one who gave great advice. That first date went over better than he could have hoped for. Derek couldn’t take his eyes off Stiles the whole evening.  
“If you are going to stay happy like that, I have no business here. Good night.”  
“Thank you.”  
It stopped. Thank you. Thank you. No One ever thanked it before. Not even when it was a who. It didn’t quite know how to respond to this.  
“Umm, you’re welcome?”  
“I really did have a great time that night. The green shirt idea was spot on.”  
“Well, good.”  
“Do you have any other advice?”  
“What?”  
“You know advice, on my next date. It’s my turn to pick and I honestly don’t know what he would like to do?”  
Why in the world was it still doing here? There were people to scare. Fear to feed on. Terror to inflict on the hapless people of this stupid little town. It had better things to do than help these two morons.  
“There’s a classic car and bike show the next town over.”  
The Stiles just grinned and went to bed. Stupid moron fool. It couldn’t tell it it meant the Stiles or itself.

The stupid little town had a lot to offer for being a stupid little town. Having been the home of a Nemeton, all sorts of delicious monsters and maniacs came calling. It was an all it could eat buffet. After several weeks of feeding on the residential criminals and badly behaved brats and whatever wandered into town, it found itself playing matchmaker to the two morons.  
After the Car show, it was star gazing and a picnic, followed by something wonderful tasty called Nascar and then something horrible tasting called a harvest festival. There was so much joy in the air that it couldn’t come out even after dark for several hours after everyone went to sleep. It continued to give advice to the two morons and the two morons fell deeper in love. It was nauseating. One night, it was wandering through the streets when it spotted the two morons walking along the street holding hands. The amount of love they radiated could be felt all over the stupid town. It also appeared it wasn’t the only one who felt it.  
“Disgusting faggots ”  
The two morons turned to the apish man who just yelled at them.  
“You heard me. Disgusting faggots. Shoving your disgusting lives in our faces like that. It’s disgusting.”  
This man did not know what disgusting must have meant since he actually left his house looking the way he did. The way the man was acting reminded it of something though. The Derek glared at the ape man while the Stiles tried to get him to leave. Eventually, the Derek turned around and followed the Stiles.  
“Don’t you ignore me you disgusting faggots.” The two just continued walking. The ape man pulled out something from his jacket and bang went off. The Derek pushed the Stiles down and got hit by the bullet. It remembered. This ape man was like those men in armour. Preaching about the sins it committed. It remembered days in the sun, days on horseback with Lorenzo, his Lorenzo, his love, behind him. It remembered being happy and being loved and in love. It remembered the men in armour who called them abominations. The men who struck down Lorenzo and burned it while it watched as Lorenzo tried to rescue him.  
“What it is, why do I remember this now?”  
The ape man was waving his gun and walking towards a bleeding the Derek and the Stiles trying to get him up.  
“I’ve had enough of you disgusting faggots.” The ape man took aim. Something in it snapped.  
“You will not harm them you Bastard. You will not take them like you took me from him.”  
Derek and Stiles watched with horror and fascination as a pair of black shadowy hands from the nearby alleyway grabbed the man around the neck and pulled him screaming in terror into the shadows.

The next morning, the sheriff was called about a shooting that happened last night. Some bigoted asshole had tried to shoot his son and Derek and would have done so if something hadn’t stopped it. The coroner couldn’t explain it. The mans’ heart had literally burst from his chest in absolute terror. Derek and Stiles didn’t say anything. They both recognized the voice as the voice that had been giving them dating advice. Neither spoke to the other that they knew the voice though. It was the last time either heard from the voice for a long time.

 

10 years later  
It didn’t know how it ended back in this room after all these years but here it was, under the same bed. Only this time it was a new occupant. A small boy wearing some ridiculous night clothes. It was about to enter the boys dreams when it noticed the picture on the bedside table. It was the two morons, the Stiles and the Derek and the little boy. It just glowed with happiness, so much so that it had to flew the room. It ended up in what was the master bedroom and started to gag.  
“Hello?”  
It was the Stiles, older yes, but it never forgot that voice.  
“Yes, yes hello and how are you and what not.”  
“It is you. Derek, it’s back. The voice is back.” The Derek was here too. Oh that’s just great.  
““Hello Lycan.”  
“Hey.”  
“What are you doing here?” Stiles asked excitedly.  
“Causing terror and fear.” A pause.  
“Can you see things?” Stiles asked  
“That is a rather stupid question. Why?” Stiles left the bed and went into the closet and pulled down a box. He laid the box at the foot of the bed and opened the lid. It looked inside and found pictures. Pictures of its two morons and the life they have had together. Inside was a white envelope with the words _Snarky Disembodied Voice_ on it. It opened it as it assumed it was the snarky disembodied voice. What it saw inside was something it had never thought it would see. The two men getting married over what looked like gravestones. The gravestones belonged to it and Lorenzo. On them were wedding rings. On the bottom of the picture it read  
 **Thank you for all that you did for us and for saving us. Even though its late, we wanted you to share our special day with us.**  
It felt something inside. Was this love.  
“You two are such Morons.”  
“Yep, but we’re your morons.”  
“Yes, You’re my morons.”


End file.
